Initially, if ever I used to get upset, angry or sad, I chose not to express it to Mr Husband and just kept mum. Thinking that I might push him away. We all had been there, right!
Somewhere in our heart we lock it and take it even more seriously than our vows that as a wife, it’s our responsibility to bring happiness in his life and in our marriage. We either decide to ignore our emotions or we hide them behind smiles and try to put on a good show. It’s so draining.
Listen, my dear, you need not be this scare! Being connected to your emotions and wanting to share them is healthy. When you become aware of your feelings and know how to share those, you will see that it actually strengthens your communication with your partner. When you hide those feeling beneath, what actually happens is, slowly the pressure starts building up inside and then suddenly your pain threshold is hit which results in outbursts. During such Emotional outbursts as we know, we can’t have a conversation and can’t reach any conclusions.
Here goes my story: I noticed that after every fight, suddenly Mr Husband started avoiding the issue and trying to act normal as if nothing has happened. I was hurt, how could he ignore everything and be so unaffected. I let it go 2-3 times without realising that all of that was accumulating inside and I was all bottled up. One day I had that moment of an outburst, sobbing and feeling terrifically upset I asked,“how could you leave me alone, knowing that I am upset.” In a heavy voice, he said,“tell me honestly, did I? It’s impossible to talk to you when you are so agitated, you don’t listen. If I explain, you assume that I am defending myself and you get even more hurt. We don’t reach to any solution this way. The only option left for me at that moment is to give you some time to relax and re-think. My purpose was to provide you with some space not to leave you alone. I am sorry if I made you feel that way but respecting each other is more important than love. Rather than shouting and blaming I prefer to sit and talk.“
I learnt one great lesson, did you? All I was assuming was wrong he was not trying to escape. Not sharing my emotions at right time didn’t fix it, it worsened the situation. What I learnt is expressing and sharing your feelings doesn’t push your man away but when you accumulate and burst later it disturbs them more.
Thinking, What to do then? Try to speak about your feelings when they first arise. Sharing will make him love you more. Take your time, observe and identify your emotion. Talk about what caused it. The intensity of your emotions is not very high initially and you also have enough patience to listen to what your husband has to say. It will clear out misunderstandings and in turn, will save you from assumptions and absurdities in future conflicts.
Easier said than done! Changing anything in behaviour is a challenge. Just trust the process. Prepare yourself, practise it consciously and work hard. There will be relapses, it’s natural. Don’t stop but learn from it and get back. Of course, support of your man in this is a must. That’s why I would really like to request all the men out there to build a strong support system. Assure your woman that she will be heard attentively and won’t be judged for any of her feelings. If she is still conscious of sharing then you have to take the initiative and ask her how she is feeling or is she alright.
No guessing games, please! At times, we ourself fail to notice our bad mood and the reason behind it. So it’s wrong to expect your husband to know everything that bothers you, without you even telling him. Faking a smile when you are tearing up inside won’t help you nor your marriage. Sharing and talking about negative emotions will provide you with the opportunity to be closer and make your bond even stronger with more honesty and authenticity.
So you tell me, do you still think it’s better to Shut down your feelings and hiding them?
I would ask you to just try it for a month and see how it works for you guys.
All the best !!! ♥♥